You know you suffer from chronic pain when you cry in public and
don't give a monkey's ass about it. The good thing was it happened in a
restaurant and I was sitting in the corner, so people could only see two
sides of me. The bad thing was I wore mascara KNOWING I FELT LIKE
BURSTING OUT CRYING AT ANY GIVEN MOMENT. Why did I not listen to the all
knowing inner voice and wear waterproof mascara?
--Because I don't give one, that's why. At least I bothered to wear mascara.
I've been having major flare up for the past 2 weeks and have only left the house about 3 times. My mum and dad wanted to go out for tea, and I didn't feel up to it- but knew that if I said I didn't want to go they would not go either and that would embarress me so I went with them, and ended up crying. I asked them to drive me back home and go back out, but they wouldn't do it. Not out of being mean, but because they thought I would feel better if I had something to eat. I felt trapped. I couldn't get home since I cannot drive. I had taken my pain meds, but they hadn;t kicked in. I just had to somehow sit there and relax.
I ended up crying. Not the bawling kind; the uncontrollable tears without any noise. My eyes were just leaking and I couldn't do a thing about it. Pain was getting the better of me.
I hate feeling like the pain is winning. When that happens, the depression kicks in. I start to feel worthless. I start comparing myself to others. I focus on what I cannot do. Bascially, I do everything I've been told not to do. I think that it would be better to just somehow end it all. That would make it better, easier, simpler.
But, I do know that is how I'm feeling now, and it's okay. It feels horrible, but it's okay. That dark cloud hovering over me will turn into a light and fluffy one soon.
--Because I don't give one, that's why. At least I bothered to wear mascara.
I've been having major flare up for the past 2 weeks and have only left the house about 3 times. My mum and dad wanted to go out for tea, and I didn't feel up to it- but knew that if I said I didn't want to go they would not go either and that would embarress me so I went with them, and ended up crying. I asked them to drive me back home and go back out, but they wouldn't do it. Not out of being mean, but because they thought I would feel better if I had something to eat. I felt trapped. I couldn't get home since I cannot drive. I had taken my pain meds, but they hadn;t kicked in. I just had to somehow sit there and relax.
I ended up crying. Not the bawling kind; the uncontrollable tears without any noise. My eyes were just leaking and I couldn't do a thing about it. Pain was getting the better of me.
I hate feeling like the pain is winning. When that happens, the depression kicks in. I start to feel worthless. I start comparing myself to others. I focus on what I cannot do. Bascially, I do everything I've been told not to do. I think that it would be better to just somehow end it all. That would make it better, easier, simpler.
But, I do know that is how I'm feeling now, and it's okay. It feels horrible, but it's okay. That dark cloud hovering over me will turn into a light and fluffy one soon.
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